Starving Artist in a Small Town Survival Guide
I am sure that there are a lot of people out there with the same problem as us. Yes, you guessed it, we are starving artists living in a small town in Wyoming. Well, being that we have been in this predicament for awhile now, we thought that we would share a sampling of our wealth of knowledge with the rest of you small-town, big-minded people! So, we made this little “Survival Guide” to get you thru some of those tough, lonesome, weekend nights.
Here it goes:
1) Paint pictures of cowboys — The local idiots will EAT this shit up! I mean, how long does it take us artists to pump one of these out?!? Like 82 SECONDS?!? I mean PahLEEEZ they are SUCH dumb redneck idiots. For some reason the locals will spend thousands of dollars on this cowboy crap, and it’s as easy as taking a shit!
2) Take a shit — If you’re lucky, your shit might end up on a canvas. Name it something like “Nocturne and Cherry Bombs” and the local idiots will think it’s some brilliant abstract piece representing the delicate but distinct separation between the male and female ideals!! HAH! If only they knew (yeah right, like locals really “know” anything)! You might even get one of your local “friends” to pay money for this (literal) shit!!!
3) Date a 43 year old — This one is truly KEY! You want to meet a guy that is as OLD as possible. This really is an impressive way to show the locals how mature and better than them you are. Even a DEAD person would do! (I mean just think about how impressed the local idiots would be if they thought you were dating Jackson Pollock or Pablo Picasso… pfft yeah right, like the local idiots would even know who they were.. but still, it’s good for effect). It also helps if your old man lives REALLY far away. Long distance relationships are the EASIEST for a busy artist to maintain, and the HARDEST for the local idiots to prove untrue! Plus, what are your other options? Some hick redneck from your own town? Please.. I would rather fuck Picasso’s corpse any day.
4) Sell Jackson Pollock and Picasso prints as your own — This one is really easy, and it’s a great way for the small-town starving artist to make some quick cash for the essentials—food, paint, political bumper stickers, heroin (hey we are artists after all). Plus, the local idiots are SO dumb that they won’t have any idea that the prints aren’t your own art. I mean, these dumbfucks couldn’t tell a canvas print from a Giclée so how the fuck would they ever know that it wasn’t an original? Plus, most of them haven’t ever seen a painting that didn’t have a Bald Eagle flying in front of an American flag, so they can only assume that you really painted this stuff.
5) Guide your artistic urges into something useful — If one day you feel like painting or writing poetry then for once don’t do it! Go online and make a blog instead! You can post all the obscure videos and shit that you find online while you stumbl around all bored because small towns suck so bad. If you’re lucky, one of your artist friends will help you make the blog and you can post jokes for each other as a way of hiding the pain that envelops every minute of your meager small-town starving artist life. I mean, it has worked for us so far. It may be a pitiful existence, but at least you won’t kill yourself!
6) Commit Suicide — If all else fails then going out with a literal BANG! is always a good option. I mean, the town you live in sucks, and none of the local idiot mouth-breathers can appreciate any piece of “art” that they can’t hunt, so what’s the point in living anyway? Plus, what could really be more artistic than suicide? ALL the greats do it eventually. Also, it’ll give the rest of the art world a chance to discover you and your TRUE brilliance behind this “tragedy.” Better yet, make it a performance piece. Do it right in the town square for all the local idiots to see. Say that you are doing it in protest of the war or the local rodeo, and you’re bound to be a media sensation! It’s also a good way to SHOW Mom and Dad what jerks they are.
That’s it for now. -JDW
